be still, my heart

mungkin this is the best place tuk curahkan hati dan perasaan saya.

ya, aku sengsara. knape kan dalam sebesar besar gajah badan aku, hati yg cenonet nih gak yg kuat berdenyut sakit. =(

once my heart shuts down, thus my watery eyes glands comes pouring down.

thus as it beats more often, painfully i decrease my activity and prefer staying undercovers.

the heart sucks! blah!!! stop heart, dont fail me now. well girls. good news, esk is Awal Muharam!!

yippies kan! so rather than sending a note to santa? *duhhh kerja bodoh*

i going to send a note to dear Allah,

dear Allah,

thank u for sending me to US, thou i still feel as if its a holiday, please excuse my shortcomings.

i know i've wasted to much time, i didnt really took care of my ukhwah and being self centered most of the time. i know that its UR time that i took, i never really owned any 'time' also.

dear Allah,

im sorry that i layan rejam and ikhwan thou i told u a million times already that i would leave them. i sorry that i loved rejam more than i love u. i just left him last week for the zillionth time, and this time i lied to him. to seperate with him this time i lied to make him hate me. i lied to a person i love dearly to HATE me. sincerely Allah, im NOT happy at all for leaving rejam. after leaving him, i feel sad, *sepak2 selimut*, marah2 orang, and i even feel that the world is dark and gloomy *logikla sbb winter* and i cry alot too! *am still crying**cry2* i guess he wont bother me anymore. =) mabe this is how u felt when i 'broke' up with u Allah. if only i had a gun that can shoot my brains out, yeap maybe that is the only way not to think about him aagain. =( =( but Allah guess what, im cutting my heart in pieces just to be with u.

dear Allah,

i dont want to promise anything to u this awal muharam coz i've sed enuf promises and breaking it up the very second i said it. they say, in dunia, that admittance is the first step of recovery. i guess this is what im doing. i not a perfect daie ya rabb, i will never b. excuse me for my negativity. tomorrow is awal muharam, i dont know if i can love u more than last year. more importantly i dont know if u still love me, *tsk tsk*

for next year, i just want to ask a small request from u. please wait for me before closing the gates of heaven. dats it. please do wait for me!!! if u choose to close the gates of heaven before me, at least, let me take a peek of who got in. xD thnk u.

"aku mempunyai satu impian, iaitu, untuk menyayangi Allah lebih dari segalanya"

till then,

ladybird.